A Therapist's Advice for Defeating Your Inner Self-Critic
*Our guest writers contribute their knowledge as part of the same mission to provide mental health resources to those seeking knowledge or access - They are not involved in any sales or promotions of our brand!
Can we just start by agreeing that life is really freaking hard?! We all face daily trials and tribulations, but we struggle very differently. We come from different family make-ups, socioeconomic status’, races, genders, sexual and gender orientations, and abilities. We battle a vast array of physical health complications, God-forbid we admit that a universal issue is facing an equally broad spectrum of mental health disorders. However, despite our unimaginable differences, there are a few things that almost every human battles daily (except for maybe the 1% of the population that is actually clinically narcissistic).
As a professional that gets a front row seat to the beautiful chaos that is the human psyche and soul, what have I found to be one guaranteed factor that causes a person immeasurable suffering? Themselves.
Your inner self-critic, constantly telling you that you’re unworthy, lesser than, shameful and flawed. To some degree we need an inner critic; this voice should act as a check and balance, helping us to reflect on our actions and beliefs so that we can move through our lives with intention. We are not born with a voice in our heads telling us how terrible we are. Rather, this is a voice that grows over time, and the more we listen to it, the louder it becomes until it eventually drowns out any semblance of pride or inner peace.
It is impossible to understand all of the roots that grow and sustain the critic that lives within us. In most cases it is created in childhood; perhaps you have highly critical parents that expected perfection from you. Growing up, you may have faced instances of bullying or outright rejection by your peers. These experiences start to create a narrative of comparison: “How do I measure up to the people around me? Am I good enough? Can I be better?”. As if it wasn’t already hard enough comparing ourselves to the people around us, now we compare our authentic, raw experiences to the perfectly curated and edited lives of others online. Theodore Roosevelt once said that comparison is the thief of joy and let me tell you, there are few things truer than that.
Our Inner Rulebook
All of the aforementioned experiences of rejection and disappointment ultimately lead to trauma. Yes, read that again. It is grossly under-estimated how many people are walking around carrying the burden of unrecognized trauma, believing that if they have not faced a MASSIVE traumatic event then they do not have the right to feel the emotional injury of distress. To a child, waiting all day to go for ice cream with mom and dad to ultimately be told that they are too tired to take you can be traumatic. As adult’s we understand that what we plan in the morning may not be what we end up doing by the end of the day. To a child, however, a new narrative has entered the chat: “I cannot trust that what people promise me will come true” or “my parents do not want to spend quality time with me” or, even more sinister “I do not deserve good things”.
These conclusions are ultimately the beginnings of our inner rule book; the way we learn to perceive ourselves and life. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) we would call the initial belief an automatic thought; the type of negative self-talk that appears immediately and without intention. The more automatic thoughts we experience, the more likely we are to form our core beliefs based off of pervasive distorted thought patterns.
There are many different kinds of distorted thoughts that a person can carry in their rule book, all of which become the foundation of how a person views themselves and the world around them. Here are some of the most common distorted thoughts:
1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: Seeing everything in black and white terms (for example, “If I am not perfect, then I am a failure”).
2. Overgeneralization: Using one single event to draw broad conclusions about life as a whole (for example, “I fumbled my words during my presentation, so I will never be able to public speak ever again”)
3. Mental Filtering: The inability to notice any positive aspects of a situation and solely focusing on the negatives (for example, “Even though I was given a highly rated performance review at work, my boss commented on one bad thing I did so I am obviously a terrible employee”)
4. Disqualifying the Positive: Discounting all positive experiences or achievements (for example, “The only reason that I got this job was because nobody else applied”)
5. Catastrophizing: Always assuming that the worst-case scenario will happen (for example, “I won’t try online dating because nobody will match with me, and it will be embarrassing”)
6. Personalization: Assuming that everything that happens is about you and/or is a result of your actions (for example, “My friend canceled plans with me because they think I am annoying; not because they are sick like they said they are”)
7. Emotional Reasoning: Believing that your feelings are facts, and therefore evidence of reality (for example, “If I feel like nobody likes me then that must be true”)
8. Fortune Telling: Believing that you already know how a situation will turn out, therefore justifying not taking chances (for example, “I am not going to apply to go back to school because I obviously won't get in”)
So now we understand where our inner critic comes from, and perhaps are able to identify some of our personal distorted thought patterns. Listen, this is important work! How can we possibly resolve something that we do not understand? In my professional opinion, the first step in mitigating relentless self-criticism is noticing it.
What Is Your Inner Critic Saying?
Instead of simply allowing your thoughts to become facts, next time your inner critic decides to show up, I want you to try one simple thing: Notice what the critic is saying and repeat it back to yourself. I know… that seems silly, but really, what you are doing is getting crystal clear on the language that you are using with yourself. In being authentic while writing this blog post, let’s say that I have the thought “nobody is going to find this post helpful because you have nothing meaningful to say”. Here is my inner dialogue now:
Self: “What I am hearing you say is that I have nothing meaningful to say, and so I should not share my thoughts on this topic?”
Critic: “Correct.”
Self: “Interesting; that sounds a lot like catastrophizing considering I have never written a post like this before… So how do I know if people will find it helpful or not?”
Do you see what I did there? I began to analyze my thoughts. With clients, this is a practice that I call “taking yourself to court”. In a therapy session, taking yourself to court is a MUCH more in-depth process, but at its core there are four main principles that you need to ask yourself in order to analyze your thoughts:
What evidence do I have for and against this thought?
What is the worst case, best case, and realistic scenario for my thought?
What effect does this thought have on me, and what would happen if I changed it?
What should I do?
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy operates through the understanding that our behaviors are dictated by our thoughts; if we can change our thoughts, then we can change our behaviors. Considering this, let's now imagine a world where we have taken ourselves to court and we know what we would like to believe instead. What behaviors should we practice? What kind of person do you want to be?
It is so critical that we start with an unapologetic sense of self-compassion. I am not perfect, and neither are you. Reality is that perfection is impossible, and we are all just people doing the best that we can to live a life of meaning, purpose, and connection. We are going to make mistakes, and that is okay. You should never talk to yourself in a way that you would not talk to someone you love. Would you tell a loved one that they are unworthy, lesser than, shameful or flawed? If the answer is no (and please, PLEASE tell me the answer is no) then you need to start treating yourself with the same level of respect.
where to put your focus
Next, try to focus on the person you want to be. What do you want to spend your time doing? Who do you want to spend your time with? Where do you want to physically be? How do you want to feel about yourself? How do you want to feel about the world around you? What are your core values?
Once you have a solid understanding of yourself and your desires, become hyper focused on investing your energy into thoughts and behaviors that are in alignment with these principles; you do not have time to be distracted by anything else. Have you always wanted to guest present on a topic that you are passionate about? That's AMAZING, seek out opportunities to make that happen! If your inner critic creeps in and starts feeding you a load of BS about how nobody wants to hear your voice, or that you don’t know anything about anything… tell it to kick rocks. I don’t have time for you anymore, I am focused on bigger and better things now!”
Identify Your Cheerleaders
My final piece of advice is arguably the most important: Identify who your cheerleaders are and hold them so close to you that you leave no room for people who make you feel inadequate. We are absolutely a product of the environments that we put ourselves into. You need to surround yourself with people who help you challenge the core beliefs that you are trying so hard to change. Your circle needs to consist of people who make you feel seen, heard, empowered and worthy. If you do not know who your cheerleaders are, that is okay!
Cheerleaders do not need to be family and friends. In many cases, family and friends can actually be the people who have historically validated our worst fears and self-critics. Your cheerleaders can be therapists, coworkers, neighbors or that lady at the coffee shop who always compliments your outfits. If you are having a hard time identifying your cheerleaders, ask yourself what spaces you feel the most comfortable in your own skin… and if you don’t have that space yet, then PLEASE, I beg you to go and find yourself the perfect therapist. I promise you, there is no safer space than that!
You deserve everything that you want, and you are capable of having it all. You have the power to overcome the narrative that you have lived by for so long and replace it with something that is much more freeing. Shutting down your inner-critic feels like dropping a heavy backpack or taking your pants off at the end of the day. You deserve to feel that, and I know that you can.
You are capable of being your own worst enemy, but you are also capable of being your own biggest cheerleader; it's time for you to decide what voice you want to give power to.
*Our guest writers contribute their knowledge as part of the same mission to provide mental health resources to those seeking knowledge or access - They are not involved in any sales or promotions of our brand!
